Sylvia's long distance relationship blog

Crazy About Layla?

 Ever wonder if there is meaning behind the name Layla? By 'Layla' I mean as in the song by Derek and the Dominos (i.e. Eric Clapton). And that maybe it's more than just the code name for Pattie Boyd, who was the object of Eric Clapton’s obsession, and the wife of George Harrison (a former Beatle)?

   

Pattie Boyd & George Harrison

 

Well, there is.

 

As you might already know, I teach English at the UAE University in the Middle East. The other day I asked my students how to pronounce the ‘q’ sound in Arabic, as in the name ‘Qais,’ a common Arab boy’s name in the old bedouin days.

 

This led to a discussion of the ultimate long distance relationship love story ‘Qais and Layla,’ of which I had seen hanging pictures in the hallways drawn by students in the past, but thought it was a modern romantic creation.  My students informed me that this love story stems from an ancient Arab oral tradition that has been passed down for over a thousand years.

 

What I came to find out following this discussion was mind-boggling.

 

According to Wikipedia, the story of ‘Qais and Layla,’ also known as ‘Majnun Layla’  (Driven mad by Layla) was a true story created in 7th century Arabia.

 

Two versions of this love story exist. In the first one, Qais the poet tended the flocks as a boy with Layla and came to fall in love with her. In the second version, Qais the poet falls in love with Layla at first sight. He writes love poetry to her, but Layla’s father rejects Qais’ marriage proposal, (scholars disagree as to why: either because they were from separate tribes or due to his love poetry having caused a disgraceful scandal) thus driving Qais absolutely crazy.

 

Layla’s father forces her to marry another older man and they go to live in what is now Iraq. When Qais hears the bad news, he begins wandering the desert day and night heartbroken and devastated, writing poetry for Layla. Meanwhile, Layla becomes sick and dies. Not long afterwards, Qais is found dead near her grave. Before he dies, he carves three verses of love poetry into her tombstone.

 

Here is an example of one of his many romantic poems Qais wrote to Layla:

 

“I pass by these walls, the walls of Layla

And I kiss this wall and that wall.

It’s not Love of the houses that has taken my heart

But of the One who dwells in those houses.”

 

Nizami, a 12th century Persian author, wrote a famous adaptation of their love story in which the young virgin lovers meet at school and fall desperately in love, but are forbidden to marry due to a family feud. Some scholars debate as to whether this love story influenced Shakespeare’s 17th century Romeo and Juliet.

 

Below is an illustration from Nizami’s Khamsa of Nizami, titled Laila and Majnun at (mosque) School, published cerca 1432 A.D.

Layla & Majnun at School

 

Getting back to modern day culture, Eric Clapton learned about the love story ‘Qais and Layla’ from a friend during the time he was driven mad with passion over Pattie Boyd. Fueled by unrequited love, the classic Arab/Persian tale helped inspire the creation of his album Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs. He even credits Nizami for his contribution on his album.

   

 

I Am Yours - Derek and the Dominos

 

Aside from its title track Layla, the song “I Am Yours” is a direct quote from a passage from Nizami’s adaptation of Layla and Majnun.

 

I Am Yours Lyrics:
I am yours.
However distant you may be,
There blows no wind but
wafts your scent to me,
There sings no bird but
calls your name to me.
Each memory that has left
its trace with me
Lingers forever as a part of me.

I am yours.

[ Lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/J7K ]

 

To find out other love songs that have been attributed to her, and for more fascinating insights into their famous love triangle, you can read Pattie Boyds autobiography titled Wonderful Today, or visit this link to an article written by Pattie Boyd: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-473174/Pattie-Boyd-My-hellish-love-triangle-George-Eric--Part-One.html

   

Eric Clapton & Pattie Boyd

Long Distance Relationships Interview

Long Distance Relationships Interview

 

Cassandra Kapp, an award-winning first-year journalism student at Northwestern University, recently interviewed me on the topic of long distance relationships.

 

What’s a long distance relationship (LDR)?

An LDR is a long distance relationship in which a couple regularly spends time apart from each other whether days, weeks, months, or years.

 

To me, long distance relationships are a kind of glorified relationship, one that is full of romance and excitement, and urgency and celebration, harkening back to the medieval times of courtly love Long distance relationships allow time for a couple to 'fully  ferment'. A strong loving long distance relationship is one of the powerful, awe-inspiring kind of relationship you may ever experience in your life.

 

Cultural profile of a student coming to college in an Long Distance Relationship:

Long distance relationships among incoming college students are more common these days because there are many cheap and fast ways to stay in touch. I think incoming freshmen started their long distance relationships in high school and doesn’t want to end it simply because their locations differ. I think it is a mature thing to do, to stay with that partner even though it may be personally and socially inconvenient at times. Making a dedicated attempt to stay together shows flexibility, a willingness to compromise, and dedication. All of these qualities are crucial for turning any ordinary relationship into an extraordinary one.

 

Now that it has become more affordable and common for younger people to travel, they do just that—travel across the world and wind up falling in love with someone from another country, most likely speaking a different native language. Normally these affairs might be labeled summer romances, but now since communications and transportation has become cheaper and easier, there isn’t a good reason for a couple to simply split up (if they are truly in love) unless they prefer only to be in a relationship in which their partner is physically present, or if they believe it is impossible to be together in the future.

 

What are some other qualities needed in a long distance relationship?

Love is necessary and having a romantic nature helps too, but also:

• Respect
• Determination
• Openness

Are college students more or less successful in maintaining long distance relationships than older folks?

I think if a strong love is shared by two people, whether young or old, then the couple will survive the obstacles. Older couples in long distance relationships, such as the ones serving the war overseas, often have practical reasons such as kids and a house, in addition to feeling a strong bond. However, when it comes to love in its purest form, I would say that college students are more successful at maintaining their long distance relationship than older people, simply because younger people often have more energy and passion in everything they do; they are hopeful and excited about love and believe in the good of its power.

 

How does long distance affect a couple in general?

Absence prevents the daily interweaving of events, big and small, in each other’s lives, which is crucial to feeling emotionally connected to each other. But with a lot of effort, you can interlock your lives together so that your relationship is resistant to vulnerabilities.

 

How do long distance relationships affect students in particular?

In addition to juggling school, work, hobbies, and friendships, a lot of time and energy is needed to maintain an LDR. Some people argue that non-long distance relationshipsare more time-consuming since the partner is present, but at least they can overlap their activities, such as eating and talking, or studying at the same time.

 

In my opinion, long distance relationships often cut into time a student should probably be studying or sleeping due to long hours many long distance relationship couples spend on the phone most nights.

 

Socially and personally: Some students find that their social life is imbalanced. If you’re too involved with your relationship because you’re always flying back and forth and glued to the phone or internet, then your LDR may overshadow your social and personal life.

 

Financially : Students don’t always have a lot of money left over at the end of the month or semester due to phone bills, flights, hotel stays or extravagant visits and gifts.

 

Academically : Everybody loves a good reason to put off writing a paper. When you’re having a problem that you’re not able to resolve in your long distance relationship, it can be very difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.

 

Emotionally and mentally : If you are in an LDR, you have to expect some ups and downs as in any relationship, except that in long distance relationships they can be more intense and frequent. These emotions and mental states include depression, jealousy, guilt, demotivation, distraction, and an inability to enjoy university life.

 

It can be a lonely path at times since the partner isn’t around to share all the triumphs and disappointments. On the other hand, it is important to remain grateful that they are blessed with having someone special in their life, even if he or she lives 3,000 miles away.

 

What advice can you give to students in long distance relationships?

Sometimes phoning and chatting aren’t possible when time zones clash and there you are sitting in class feeling distracted because your boyfriend who lives 1,000 miles away hasn’t contacted you in two days.

 

Find as many ways as possible to interweave your lives together so that it is as richly textured and tightly woven as if you were an emotionally close couple physically together.

 

Imagine a braided rope. Each strand symbolizes a way that you relate daily to your partner. One strand represents reach out to your partner, for example sending a postcard or a CD compilation. Another strand represents interacting with your partner such as phoning or video conferencing. The third way signifies synchronizing your actions, for example watching the moon or eating the same kind of chocolate at the same time. The more strands you use to braid your rope, the more resilient it will be to stress and strain. This idea of synchronicity is in the “Cruising Altitude” chapter my book The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook .

 

Any other advice for couples in long distance relationships?

Remember that even though things don’t go according to your expectations sometimes, that it doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship or partner. Learn to express your concerns in a straightforward, calm way when you are not upset. Pour as much positive energy as you can into your relationship—make this time the most memorable and breath-taking stage of your relationship.

 

Please visit my long distance relationship blog again soon and share your own concerns and experiences.

 

I’ll leave you now with an inspirational quote: "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~ Bernice Johnson Reagon (singer, songwriter, historian).

 

Sincerely,

Sylvia Shipp

Author of The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook

 

 

Poetry and romance

When I was writing my book, The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook, I had originally intended to include some poems that underscored each chapter topic. In the end, I decided to go with the international flight theme and so the poems didn't fit well in the book anymore.

  

However, I adore those poems and want to share some of my favorites with you. The following poem was sent to me by a great friend of a friend from .  This is the 2,676th poem in Man'yoshu, Japan's oldest and most highly revered collection of poems.

 

"Hisakatano amatobukumoni ariteshika kimiwobaaimimu otsuruhinashini"

  

"If I were a cloud which goes around in the sky, I could go see you every single day"

 

I love this poem. Just a few telling words give you that floating, intoxicated feeling of being in love, and the bliss you get from seeing your partner's face.

 

Since our location is Japan, I'd like to share interesting kanji symbols I stumbled across. Is it me, or do the symbols look like they're smiling?

 

Romance (Renai)    

 

Long distance relationship? Give me one good reason...

to plunge into the intrepid waters of a long distance relationship. No, wait, I'll give you ten!

1. How often does the possibility of a great love come a person's way? In the eloquent words of the famous Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran, "When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep." 

2. You have to take some positive-oriented risks if you want good things to come your way. Draw upon your deep-seated emotional courage to love and be loved, and allow yourself to get romantically swept up for once (given the signs look favorable).

3. Enjoy love the old-fashioned way has nothing to do with horse-drawn carriages or gas-lamp lights. Rather, loving someone from a distance can be very appealing to the romantic at heart. Writing long love letters, waiting unpatiently for a romantic reply, and daydreaming all harken back to the medieval days of courtly love.

4. Enjoy the most passionate, bittersweet, romantic, and exciting periods in your life. Long distance relationships can mean tearful hellos and goodbyes, steadfast vows, inspired exchanges of gifts, long stretches of honeymoon-like excitement, many beautiful stay-in-the-moment moments.

5. Reveal many aspects of your inner qualities and interests slowly over time that might not be exposed as readily in a non-long distance relationship.

6. Communication is easier, cheaper, and faster these days. What is your favorite way to talk with someone far away?

7. Travel is easier, cheaper, and faster these days. For instance, have you checked out the mega-travel search engine www.kayak.com for good travel deals?

8. LDR couples enjoy more guidance and support on the internet and in books these days. One of the more practical and well-balanced LDR guidebooks is my own, The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook, which is featured on this site and is sold through most online bookstores.

9. Being half of a long distance relationship means lots of wonderful excuses to stretch yourself in ways that otherwise in close proximity might be difficult. These include generosity of love and spirit, semi-reckless romantic abandonment, honing of verbal and physical expression, and the opportunity to iron out old destructive relationship habits before uniting permanently.

10. You only live once. How many chances do you think people get at bigger-than-life type loves?

What are you waiting for? Let's be brave and love that person with our arms open and our hearts full of hope.

Welcome to my long distance relationship blog!

I've decided to start a blog for couples who wish to strengthen their long distance relationship. Years ago, when my own  6 1/2-year-long distance relationship was still new, there wasn't much information on the internet or in books that helped LDR couples with their special problems and challenges. So I decided to write a book on long distance relationships that would help guide these LDR couples through good and bad times.

Since I want this blog to be as useful as possible in terms of helping you sort out your feelings and entertaining as well, in the coming entries you can expect to find many things that pertain to LDRs: practical advice, reflections on important issues, recommended books and activities, inspriational gift ideas, fun stuff to bring some levity to your relationship, and brief discussions related to my recently published book on long distance relationships.

 Here is my recently published book as listed on Amazon: The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook.

Hope you visit again soon!