Striving couples in long distance relationships!

It looks as though I haven't written on my long distance relationships blog for a month, but actually the comments on the last post have kept me busy with this blog lately, as well as the writing I've been doing on a historical fiction novel I'm trying to finish one day.

I have a proposal for all people in long distance relationships..please reply to this post or send a private email with a brief description of how you stay in touch with your partner. That means modes of communication, frequency, any communication rules you might have. I'll summarize your comments and post it here within the next couple weeks. It's my way of staying up to date with how couple use technology today to stay connected. Eventually, I'd like to update my book, The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook, but for now it works fine since the ideas in it are timeless and adaptable to most if not all situations and couples.

Comments

[Sylvia Shipp]

Hi Luke,

I just replied to you in an email. Thanks for reaching out; I hope I can help you get to a comfortable point in your relationship.

Sylvia

[Luke Wilson]

Dear Sylvia,

This morning, I lay awake thinking of the events of last night. Again, I had fought with my wife through Skype. The next morning I tend to recap on all the things that have happened. Why did we fight in the first place? What annoyed me so much? Next comes the thought of her apology and the reasons she gave for the particular circumstance. She is an honest and loving woman, the only woman I have ever loved so deeply, so I always trust in her response. After that thought comes a re issue of frustration. "Why did she do this?... Why am I so annoyed Lord? Please help me to not be so particular about everything." There's some sorrow mixed throughout and guilt. Guilt that I have made my wife upset by something that shouldn't be such a big deal.
Then finally the hope that we can recover and our relationship hasn't suffered a permanent blow. After all, on the day that we married, with all of my heart, mind and body I meant the words "I do", I will love you with all of my heart and support you till the day that I die. So exiting our relationship is clearly a massive fear and something I never want.

So this morning I am lead to this page among others. One page making me feel good telling me to "pursue her heart, not the circumstances which you are facing." I feel that this saying is exactly what I need. But I would love to hear your advice too.

To help you understand, my wife Erika and I met in the Philippines in 2011. She is Filipina and I am Australian. I moved to the Philippines in 2010 and worked as an English teacher in a Korean company. Erika worked at this company also. We developed an interest in each other when we met one night out at a club. She was beautiful, and I was so interested in getting to know her. After 40 days of courting, I was heading off to Australia for the Christmas holidays and then to Korea for a 1 year contract. The day before I left, we decided to start an official relationship. Knowing that this would be long distance, we entered this commitment as we knew that what we had was special, and something we'd never found before.

While I was in Korea, we skyped everyday and texted a few times per day. We were happy and never fought. We were very young into our relationship so I guess it was truly the 'too happy to fight' or too scared to cause a problem in an otherwise happy relationship.
To be honest, I didn't like living in Korea. I missed Erika and I missed the Philippines. I wanted to develop our relationship further so after about 2 months I returned to the Philippines. We developed our relationship, started living together and became best friends. We always helped each other, understood each other and we rarely had a bad word to say.

Eventually I realized I'd found what I was looking for in the Philippines, and wanted to progress our lives financially by returning to Australia. With that in mind, I knew i wanted to marry Erika.
So We were married in August and then I left for Australia 17 days later.

Everyday (by plan) we skype each other after work. We also text message and use Viber for free wifi text and call.

Last night, which has happened a couple of times in our relationship, we had not seen each other for 3 days straight. She is on a work trip and they always have work outings in the evening so I can't see her. This, I understand. I know she is excited to look around and also I want her to have fun. So I was not mad about this. But in the past few days the disappointment and frustration had grown as we had planned to see each other after the outing but she just got home too late. Again, I was not mad. I understood. But I was disappointed.

So when we finally saw each other when she had free time before her Christmas party later in the evening, some of that disappointment was visible. I couldn't help it. But I made conversation a tried to make her feel fine. I let her get ready then she asked if I wanted to see her before she left. I said "Ok sure, if you want" then really looked forward to seeing her all dressed up. I wanted to smooth things over and make her feel that we are fine so that she is not frustrated during the party. But when i messaged her, she was already running late and had no time to see me again. This made me SO upset! I wanted to pull my hair out. I just COULDN'T get through to my own wife.

I took some time to think, staring at the carpet in my room for about 20 minutes just trying to justify everything. Eventually, thanks to God i realized that "she took the time to see me, she was just running late and couldn't see me again. You know how girls are, doing make-up, having fun and always late!" So I felt fine again, I understood the situation. I texted her that I understood, and to have a good time.

Later in the night I texted her in a vulnerable manner "I love you babe, have fun. I hope to see you this weekend."
Vulnerable in the fact that I wanted her to say something to comfort me in reply. I went to bed then woke at 3am. Still without text on my phone.
I texted her again and she said that she was online. When I saw her she said that she just got home. I asked why she didn't reply and she said she didn't get a notification on her phone and that she wasn't checking it.

I was so annoyed, frustrated, disappointed and upset. "Why weren't you checking your phone? You know I was upset and missed you so much today, I just wanted a text telling me what you're doing. It feels like I'm not even on your mind."

She always tells me that she is sorry but of course she misses me and thinks of me, she is just busy. She has other things to do. She didn't think of it.
And she is consistent as I am. If she doesn't check her phone or text you to inform you that she is doing something etc. then she will also not expect me to text her when I'm out or if I don't text her and she asks then she is really fine about it.

We got a lot off our chest last night but I'm still left with this attitude of feeling annoyed when she is too busy to see me. I am needy in the fact that while in long distance I need to know that she wants to see me and that she misses me from time to time. Obviously, while we are not in long distance I am fine. I can feel her physical love toward me and even if she goes out with friends all night it doesn't bother me. I guess because I can still feel her physically in bed. Or the next day. But as we are distant and the only way I feel her love is through skype, text, or those types of things then if they are absent for a period of time then I feel so alone, angry and disappointed.

When she is with her friends while we are distant, I sometimes feel jealous or like I'm coming second. I feel like she has chosen to see them rather than see me and it makes me feel upset and angry. As her husband, I feel like I should always be her top priority which sounds selfish.

I guess it is also my expectation. Because I go to work, I text her and think of her at work. I always come home right away to prepare food so that when she is home I can see her right away. I will never make an appointment that I don't have to in the times we are supposed to see each other. It is really important for me to see her.

But in her case, she often has outings, friend invitations and other things that keep her longer and longer and I get so frustrated waiting. It makes me feel that I'm not important because I'm thinking "well If I do all this to see her everyday, and she isn't doing that, then it must mean that it's not that important to see me."

Basically, I need reassurance. I need to hear "I miss you, and I want to see you" sometimes. We are so different as she is ok with any situation. If we don't see each other for days, she sounds sad and that she really misses me but she never blames me for it. She never gets mad, she is just happy when we see each other again.

I'm just hoping for some advice, to help me understand my wife better. To understand what she does is not that she has more important things than me but this is just her personal process of life events. I just want to have a happy and understanding relationship whilst distant, because when we are together we get along so well.

Hoping for your reply, forgive me for the length.

Kind regards,

Luke.

[Sylvia Shipp]

Hi Travis,

thanks for sharing your blog. It's always interesting to read and see how couples make it despite all odds. :)

Sylvia

[travis]

hello here is our personal blog in a long distance relationship we done 7 months online then finally we are together http://anneandtravis2535.blogspot.com/

[b]

Whatsapp every day and Skype before going to sleep but we also use facebook mail and email and the post to send cards and postcards :)

[Eloise]

For now, Whatsapp, Facebook, love letters and sometimes Skype, it's quite frustrating so we dont use it so often..

[Isobel Moon]

Hi again,

Well, we've been using video and regular chats, sms and phonecalls, podcasts, emails, exchange of gifts (pictures, poems, drawings...).

[SeanApp]

[this is good]

Using phone, messenger and video and the most important: LIVE.

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